i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
