This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Pooping to opera.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
