Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize