Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
