Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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