Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
