Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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