i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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