If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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