Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
