i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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