just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
