I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize