you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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