he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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