Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
