I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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