Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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