i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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