i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
