after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
