We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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