I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
