i would punch a child for taco bell
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
