i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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