i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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