So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
