I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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