Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
