my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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