never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
