I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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