He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
