I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
