OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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