On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
