He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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