You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
