3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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