FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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