K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
