Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
