She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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