I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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