I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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