my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
