The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
