brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Randomize
