I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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