I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
