if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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