I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
