Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
