why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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