She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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